RIP Church Street

Some very sad news. Today marks the final weekend of Church Street Station as we know it.



The money grubbers that own this wonderous waterhole that had given us our fondest and best memories of Miami, have decided to tear it down and put up shiteous apartments and a "new" bar in its place. Probably a trendy bar. Probably a bar with $16 drinks and cutesy tables that don't fall over or clash with the overall decor of the place. Disgusting.

We noticed a few subtle changes in the Church when we were back for Blugunion - new decor and accoutrement, some newfangly digital jukebox that had current music, and a new cast of bartenders that actually charged us for our drinks. No $6 tabs today.

I think it is safe to say that our best memories of College were at the church. I present to you, for your consideration, ten moments that defined church street and our experience with the most glorious bar in our existence.

10. Melissa showing up at the bar on Geek week in only a robe (sans pants) and dancing on the picnic table
9. Karla walking in teary eyed, post breakup (with a guy who's name will shall not blog post) and our retaliation of beating every single photohunt score to post his name along with "has a little D" and other in the top 10 scores
8. When crazy brandon punched through the TV
7. Bartenders and subsequent hookups & friendships with said bartenders (Brian the bouncer, Jack the snack, Jake the snake, etc)
6. Dan Palace
5. Erotic photohunt
4. The Jamie Frankel/Homeplate incident and subsequent drenching
3. When we had the Blue Lagoon picture on the wall for several days until someone stole it
2. Anytime anyone forgot to close their tab and the following repercussions
1. Anything and everything on Geek Week Day

Appearing in Cleveland Newstands - Cat Fashion Show 2008

Kat Brillo-Head Johnson the Chicago born, Cleveland living socialite is gracing all the hottest pages this month, including "Clean with Body Parts Monthly" and "Creative Ways to Organize your Junk Drawer" by Martha Stuart. She is singlehandedly trying to orgainze the movement "Purple is the New Red this Holiday Season." She is pictured here with Katy Perry (making a statement on recycling tp to stay green) and a super-tan Perez Hilton minus 20 lbs.

Think before losing your cellphone again...

http://denver.craigslist.org/mis/878440900.html

The Legend of O'Leachy McGreenteeth: The Dream-Stealing Leprechaun

The Legend of O'Leachy McGreenteeth: The Dream-Stealing Leprechaun

a typical chain letter forwarded by Kristy Alderson.

Once upon a time, along the sing-song Ivory Coast of Ireland lived a delightful little girl with golden hair kissed by sunshine named Penny O' Giggles. Penny skipped on the way to school every morning and gave all of her allowance to the homeless people along her merry way to class. The locals nicknamed her St. Penny for her kind gestures and the fact that when she sang, her voice sounded like the sweet mix of a nightingale and a young Rod Stewart. One day she decided to skip along the coast of the magical Blarney River in her town. Along this magical river grew shamrocks as big as grapefruit that tasted like skittles and laughter. She was gathering shamrocks by the coast to make a necklace for her dying grandma's last wish, when suddenly a bottle with a scroll inside washed upon the shore. Penny opened the bottle and star dust blew into the wind as she unraveled the scroll. The scroll read:

" Skip a little, hop a lot in the land of Ireland there was a legend and tall-tale it is not,

The one who reads this magical and true tale, is blessed with ever-lasting luck if they do not fail,

Though leprechauns can be sprite and green, they are very short and sometimes bitter and mean,
The leprechaun O'Leachy McGreenteeth, torn like Lilo as a coke-head and of a sweet little tween,

As a child O’Leachy would eat green shamrocks, his parents said it would make him grow long golden locks,

He did his chores and prayed at night, but something started to develop that cause quite the fright,

The shamrocks he ate were turning his teeth green, even Dr. O'Chucklestooth couldn't scrub them clean,

The kids at scool would laugh and tease, forced to sit with the Asian nerds O' Leachy was not pleased,

He vowed from that day and started a curse, if you discarded his message your luck would turn worse.

To spread leprechaun love and recognize their power, and forward this to 5,000 people within the next hour,

If you do so your luck has no end, if you disregard this you would be lucky to call Tara Reid your friend,

Don't ignore this message I warn you I MUST, nothing will save you, not even Tink Pixie Dust!!"

Little Penny O'Giggles stopped and thought long and hard about the message from O'Leachy. She thought about sending the message on to her friends at school, but realized it was only 1862 and the internet had not yet been invented by Al Gore. Penny O'Giggles was the best skipper in 3 villages but couldn't possibly skip THAT fast. So instead of sending on the message as warned, she bottled back up the scroll and flung it back into the magical Blarney River. She continued gathering shamrocks and razzleberries to bring to her old sweet Grannie's deathbed.......

The next morning little St. Penny woke up and instead on hearing the sweet hum of songbirds and cheery chipmunks, she awoke to the blasting sound of Metallica's Enter Sandman. She covered her ears and skipped down the hall to peer inside her sweet Grannie's room...when inside she saw a horrifying sight.... her Grandma was entangled in hot mess of love between the 1980's popular big hair band Motley Crue wearing Happy Gilmore's grandmothers Gene Simmons mask and cursing the Irish.

If you understand the severity of this email you WILL forward this message on to 5,000 people with in the next hour...or the following will happen to YOU due to the curse of O'Leachy McGreenteeth:

1) You will start loving Ashton Kutcher movies.

2) All of your dreams and hopes are stolen in your slumber, and sold on the black-market.

3) Time will reverse and you will see Mickey Mouse take off his costume at Disney World as a child.

4) No one will ever cure AIDS. ever.

5) George W will become president again.

6) Tim Gunn will never ask you to eat at Red Lobster.

7) You start spelling refrigerator as refridgorator.

8) You only get a bid to A D Pi.

9) You are condemned to a lifetime of serving at Waffle House in Wamilton

10) Everytime you see a puppy, you will unknowingly kick it.

11) Jamie Frankel sleeps in your bed every night.

12) Your breathe smells like licking the downstairs bathtub at Blue Lagoon.

13) Razors stop shaving your armpits.

14) The only company that will hire you is as a character on The Wiggles.

15) All of your friends and family dis-own you like a Elizbeth Hasselback on The View.

Send this to everyone you care about. Send this to everyone you don't care about. Send this to dsitant cousins of your mothers college roomate's twin deaf brother. Send this to yellow, green and purple peopleeaters. I BEG of you.....SEND THIS ON.... or else.....

**Side note, if you do manage to do this lofty task, the Prince of Persia will send you $1 million dollars.

did you say... BOOKED?!?!?

lookin' good kath

Top 10 Recap

Blugunion is sadly over, but here is a follow up to the results of the original top ten list:

10. Church St. got a new-fangled "digital" jukebox that ate up $2 just to play Lionel Richie
9. I got my blonde bombshell all over my engagement ring, then proceeded to lick it off
8. The Rodburos have decided to tear down Church Street, rather than drink there
7. We took a very classy video on the front porch of Blue Lagoon after we were greeted with so much love from the current girls who live there
6. Colleen managed to find her way back to the elms at around 5:30am
5. U-shop no longer does shots (spurring the phrase:"How. I Mallory. I come from time of smoke in bar")
4. Not neccessary after Friday night shennanigans at Elms between 3 and 4am
3. Mal and Colleen both left their cards at Church St.
2. I felt old enough to be a Freshman's mother
1. This would have been completely appropriate after Friday night's events.

Slideshow coming soon - need the banana suit pics first!

xoxo

Top 10 Things I want to do at Blugunion

10. Play one of our songs on the olde Church St. Jukebox

9. Eat a Blonde Bombshell at Bagel & Deli

8. Run into one of the Rodburos at Church St

7. Roll around on the front lawn of Blue Lagoon

6. Rescue colleen from the front lawn of Blue Lagoon when she tries to sleep there again

5. Take a shot at U-Shop

4. Erotic Photo Hunt

3. Not leave my credit card at a bar.

2. Convince a freshman I'm old enough to be his mother.

1. Start a late-night at Blue Lagoon without their permission and order 20 cases of beer to the house, and then sneak off like it never happened.

Separated At Birth

Left: Tini in her glory days

Right: Will Ferrell as Harry Caray

BULL MARKET - Please click on the image below.

BSpears (BRSP): FY3Q09 Outlook: Bullish

Katherine Johnson and Mallory Middaugh (C.P.A) = Cerified Public Assholes.

We believe the upcoming quarter for Miss Spears will be a slight beat and raise relative to the Street estimates. This quarter, BRSP (S&P ticker) has thus far beat expectations. Her stock is up ~13% since August 1st, in direct correlation to the numbers logged on the T-Mill at Bally's LAX and the removal of mind altering substances/ frappes. If you'll note from our estimates, BRSP peaked in 2003 VMA season to fall to record lows in FY1Q05 following a slight deviation from previously recorded behavior. This revenue drop was a contribution of investors losing confidence due to panty peaks, pregnancy, KFC, KFED, red bull, gas stations, PHilton, and rehab. However, BRSP has gained operational momentum due to her financial estate being turned over to Jamie Spears, relative father figure. While we don't think the BRSP has the ability to break out of the current revenue cycle patterns of such erradic behavior, we believe with the proper diet, exercise regime, and electric fencing, Miss. Spears has shot of emerging on top this quarter.

Love it

"Head to the dollar store, buy a package of baby socks and some double. sided. tape."

hint: let this one load for a few...

Dr. FeelNotSoGood

caution:

The Worst OBGYN Appt. in the History of the World.

**This story is 100% true and happened last evening to yours truly at 7:00pm CT.

So, I schedule my yearly pap yesterday at 4:00pm. I'm thinking its gonna be pretty standard, ya know? You go in....they do their job and you have uncomfortable conversation while they (usually she....) conduct tests to your Britney that make you want to rip their head off and use as a volleyball... but instead you answer, "Yeah, yeah Cubs are good this season....". So as I wait in my little medical gown 3 hours pass by and I am growing a little impatient. I don't complain though bc I think I have a really good doctor and I am sure she is just next door being as thorough and as gutch-wrenchingly honest as she is with me. So as I sit there, catching up on USWeekly giggling to myself about the possible future VP having a bastard grandkid of a man whose name is also a brand of jeans sold at KMart....when in he walks.....Dr. McDreamy.

My normal doctor is a blonde, 50 something, peppy little woman, Dr. Hubka....this is 6ft, tan, Christian Bale -esque, crystal blue eyed...not Dr. Hubka. He introduces himself as "Justin." I immediately think this face looks somehow familiar but I can't put my finger on it. So he proceeds,"Dr. Hubka will be in shortly but I will be doing all your pre-lims today. Mallory, what brings you in today??" Now normally when this type of situation is presented to me, I'd think of something irressitably charming like "Not much, I'm practically perfect" or "my Britney smells like fresh -baked cookies, is that a problem?"...however, I just recently got back on the pill and have been having some concerning symptoms that are too scary to ignore. So instead of playing it coy with Dr. Feelgood, I let it all rip. I go into every gory and horrifying detail of my menstrual cycle. We are just about to the solid, liquid, or gas part of the program when I take a glance at his nametag...."Dr. Justin Koenig." Hmmm....come to think of it he does bare an uncanny resemblance to my friend Brandon Koenig from Indiana who I used to be a camp counselor with....I brush this thought aside.... NO way, too unlikely, Chicago is a HUGE city. I can't possibly be talking about Y infection symptoms with a distant relative of a boy I used to make out with at summer camp......

So, I leave the doctor feeling legally violated as one always does at the OBGYN and go home to take my "Crying Game" shower.....

This morning I can't shake the feeling that somehow this man and I have a six degrees of Kevin Bacon connection somehow. Sure enough I hunt him dow on FaceBook and we have one common friend...Brandon Koenig....his little brother.

Yes ladies, it's true, your vagina isn't safe anywhere.

Green Ba-be!

Here's a question for you...

if you were a burrito, would you eat yourself?

Fetch me if you can

Mal "fetch" Middaugh-- it's her birthday and she'll dance if she wants to

when drinking goes wrong...

when yogging goes wrong...

nice yogging!

Separated At Birth

Left: Boston Ben Franklin
Right: Lagoon Ben Franklin

Part Trois (see I speak French)

=

kristajones'd (christa-not- i-saffed): to create the perfect combination of mexican food, cocktails, laxatives, and anorexia to discharge from the anus an explicable amount of party punch in random dude's house; to ruin one's public image for life; the crap heard 'round the world. (intransitive verb)

• Etymology: Latin defaecatus, past participle of defaecare; to discharge feces from the bowels; to never hook up with a frat star again.
• Example: "I don't know if I can make it to Church right now...that El Burrit's didn't settle well and I don't want to kristajones all over my hot greek life reputation."

Lagoon Lexicon: Part Deux

• Wamilton (wah-mill-ton): a place where the term "higher education" is stretch at best; place to avoid French Class and generally encourage slacker tendencies (noun)

• Etymology: Latin, from Greek Hamilton: home of the dental avoiding, chain-smoking hillbilly; Hammy.
• Example - "I just tried to "aller francais" in Wamilton but Church St. and cigarettes got in the way."

Lagoon Lexicon - Part One

During our two years at the Lagoon, we came up with some nitche phrases for specific situations.

However, we got too comfortable with our slang, and when we attempted to use these words in the outside world during everyday conversation, people looked at us like we were Tom Cruise crazy.

So I felt the need to relive and bring back those words and phrases that made the Lagoon so great...I give you: The Lagoon Lexion (Part 1)

ury: really exceptionally angry or annoyed; furious. (adjective)

• Origin - originally from the word "furious", which then became "Ury the Fury", which was then shortened to just "ury"


• Example - "I just tried to get late night at Jimmy Johns and they were closed - omg I am sooo ury."
  

sigmachi: (sigMAHchee) Kind of chachi, alpha male who likes to weightlift, wear tight shirts, and just be super-meaty all day long; Throws kegs off of things like houses; likes kreotine; Dan Palace

• Origin - Sigma Chi Alpha Chapter at Miami University; person does not have to be a Sigma Chi, but can just display sigmachi-like behaviors


• Example - "He's really cute, but just super sigmachi."

Thats all for now! More words to come in the next edition. Please comment and give other examples of situations that would use ury and sigmachi, my brain is fried :)

USA USA USA

"blagunion: a festival of cougars"

The Story of Maltini and KatrinaRita

When: July 1, 2008

Where: GChat (where professional slackers unite)

Why: Because we love you.

How: the Internet (it's a powerful tool)

(This is the real conversation during a 9-5 business day...)

me: what are you doing for your bday???????
Kat: :( I'm a loser
me: i'll say
Kat: everyone is like, out of town... Sooo Chris is taking me on a surprise date (meaning I don't know where yet) and then we are going to go out with some people and booze it up.
me: Chili's.
Kat: haha he'd never
me: i blew it
Kat: haha. You were close....applebees
me: i secretly love all of those places...especially Friday's.
Kat: hahah oh i know i always hit them up on business trips when i have to get dinner
me: i love apps with buzz words

me: 'zesty spicy jalapeno poppin fun"
Kat: or Tangy sweet barbeque fun platter
me: i also expect 17 cherries in my drink

Kat: always...and 90% is always mixer
me: or a Kahlua Cream Frozen Rita Riot!
Kat: 10% alcohol max...omg are you one the website or are you making these up?
me: i made that up

Kat: if I go on friday's website right now and thats on there, you are such a cheater
me: i swear to god...i swear on Bob Barker's tanning bed
Kat: hahaha...how about Raspberry Razzle summertime weekend schpritzer? i'm not very good at this

me: no that was good. you need more flare though
Kat: i know. pop and zing
me: Lemon Lime Electric Lemonade Marga-tini!
Kat: Ultimate Mango Earthquake margarita

Kat: they like natural disasters in their drinks
me: St Pat's Whiskey Shamrock Shooters
(those are shots)
Kat: Blue Tsunami wave rush-tini...Blazing baby back fire ribs
(those are ribs)....Humongo Hurricane Lime-ita
think natural disaster. It comes easier.... Katrina Margarita
me: yep, you went there.

me: what about mega turbo extreme redbull rippers?
Kat: ok i gtg to softball
me: if someone were to read our entire conversation spanning over the course of today...
me: we'd a) get fired b) get drug tested
Kat: c) Get hired by perez to help him blog and make fun of celebs with our witty banter
Kat: that actualy sounds like an enjoyable outcome, sans the drug testing part
me: eh, i would questionably pass
Kat: bye MalTini.

me: bye KatrinaRita.

Hello!

Hello my lovely ladies! After getting very bored exchanging witty banter over gchat, Mal and I decided it was time to set up a blog. So here we are.


We give you...Blue-La-Blog.



Think of it as Perez meets Lois-the-old-drunk-lady at Church St, they have a baby and this blog is birthed. That should give you a good feeling of where we're headed.

This will allow Mal and I to make you laugh so hard you possibly pee your pants in your rolly work chair. It will also allow Christa to provide more depth into her "Things that Annoy Me" rants, as gchat status has a not-so-flexible character limit.

Other topics that will be discussed in upcoming posts:

• Blugunion/Cougarfest 2008


• Operation Lagoon (the resurrection of our house sign)


• The Fact that Colleen is now a second year law student


• Pants


• The Resurrection of B. Spears


• C-Prompt


• The story behind Rita and Tini

So I thank you all for visiting, and hope you all are excited for the greatness that is to come. Bring your green hat.

xoxo

Rita